Not Satisfied.

This post today was totally unplanned, but has been sitting heavy on my heart lately so I just went with it. Don’t worry I won’t type your eyes out 😉 I attempted to keep it short and sweet, which is hard for me sometimes haha.

I don’t want to be someone that puts up a front. Sometimes I feel as though bloggers do. Like, since we don’t know each other personally (as in we’ve never been in the physical presence of one another) I feel as though it’s easy to play ourselves up on the blog. But i’ll let you in on a secret here. While i’m very open and honest in my posts, I’m not always open and honest about being a happy, satisfied, and positive person. Most days I try to be. But a lot of the time that just doesn’t happen.

One thing I know to be true is that i’m very hard on myself. I’m an over-achiever. I’m an over-analyzer/thinker. I’m a people pleaser. Add that all together and you find anxiety. I often think about how hard I am on myself. I have this need for achievement, and according to Thomas Armstrong’s 12 stages of life, that’s right in line with my age group (technically enterprise but same thing).

I put an extraordinary amount of pressure on myself to achieve. I want to achieve my ideal body. I want to achieve that 4.0 one semester. I want to be liked by everyone around me. I want to be the best. I want, I want.

But then when months of working out doesn’t get me my ideal body, pulling an all-nighter for my exam doesn’t get me an A, someone tells me that they don’t like me, and i’m defeated. I’m left feeling as though I have failed somehow because I didn’t reach my goal. I didn’t achieve.

Here’s what i’m talking about.

At the end of last semester I was hanging out with my friends. We were in the car and I got my grades for the past spring semester. I looked online and saw I had a 3.355. I asked them if that was good and Emily said, “Yes, that’s so good!” But I wasn’t happy with it. I wanted better. I’m not satisfied.

Sometimes i’ll be working out and notice that i’m not doing my intervals as fast as I should be. I should run longer. I should be able to hold my poses in yoga longer. I should be able to do more reps. I’m not satisfied.

I’ve been working out for however long now and i’m not seeing “the perfect me” when I look in the mirror. Or my hips look wide. Ladies…..? And i’m not satisfied.

I’ll cook a meal for my family and I know how to follow the directions perfectly. My family will tell me it’s good, but I still get worried that they’re just trying to make me feel good about myself. And i’m not satisfied.

The amount of time that I spend in my spiritual life is not where I think it should be. So i’m not satisfied.

I know what you’re thinking…then change things! Right? I mean why is it that i’m never satisfied? Is it bad? Is it good? I think each to a certain extent. I think it’s good that I don’t get comfortable where I am. I should always be striving to do better. And to become a better person. For me. But it’s when I let those expectations spiral too far that it becomes bad.

My main worry right now is why do I spend so much time looking in the mirror trying to figure out how I can change myself. I spend so much of the little free time I have worrying about my body image. Or comparing myself to others. I always told myself I was never going to be one of those people, yet here I am. Never say never.

I know i’m going to struggle with this for a while. Some of you can relate, right? Do you feel the same way as me? I think it’s so important to remember that…

…and…

But it’s hard, y’all. It makes life hard when you’re not ever satisfied. How do you change it? Honestly, I think to be satisfied, the best thing to do is think of /do the things that make me happy in life.

From here on out, i’m making a conscious effort to not dwell on the bad, but focus on the good – the things that make me happy. I mean that’s what life should be about right? Doing what makes you happy. When I die, or if i’m sitting in my hospital bed thinking back on my life I want to remember all the things that made me happy. The things that made my life fulfilling and worth living. When i’m laying in a hospital bed I won’t be worried about how wide I think my hips look, or how high my GPA was as long as I got my degree. Or any of the petty things that don’t matter that much!

Happiness comes from within. Today and tomorrow and after that, i’m choosing happiness. And I will do what I need to do to get to the point where I am satisfied and at peace.

I don’t know what your life has been like lately, but these are a few things that make me happy. I’d encourage you today to write a list of what makes YOU happy. It really can change your perspective.